Body issues and food issues.

I have had fucking enough. I am fucking tired of all this bullshit. When will I learn and get over this shit. I have been dieting since I was 15. now for the last year I have been trying and nothing is happening. FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!

I am too old and tired for this crap. When will I win?

I need help. I need something. I am fucking fed up.

I don't know how to end this on a positive note so I won't.

Fuck!

I miss this days when shows like this were on t.v.:






That is all

for

It is party time. Today is Alex's Birthday Party. I am so excited. I am too old to be excited for a 4 year olds b-day party but she's my niece and I love her and cake. I hope people come and celebrate with her. She is too awesome for words.

I hope you have a good one my little love!

I've been so crazy busy lately. In a good way at least. My sanity has suffered but at least I am being productive.

I don't have a hole lot to say except that I worked as a PA on a kids music video on Tuesday. It was good but I've discovered that on set PA's get treated like crap. It is just crazy. I just want you all to know that I am not running for chocolate bars, ever. If it is that important to you get it your Goddamm self!!!!!


And now for a Filmfest review. I know it's been like two weeks since the festival finished but These movies will still be coming out to theaters so I am going to give you my two cents on them.

Brand Upon the Brain!
Director: Guy Maddin
Country: USA/Canada





It was amazing. An exceptional and memorable cinematic experience. Guy Maddin decided to make a silent film. He brought the silent film in to the 21st century using a live audience, foley artists, a narrator, and a castrati. The movie has a dreamlike quality that flows in and out of the past and present. The film is part expressionist horror film, teen detective serial, and childhood reminiscence.

Brand Upon the Brain! concerns a character named Guy (played by Sullivan Brown as a youngster and Eric Steffen Maahs as an adult). He has accepted his mother's invitation to return to the island of Black Notch and the orphanage where he was raised. He has come to paint the lighthouse and this marks his first trip back to the island in thirty years.

Guy walks the island remembering his childhood, his sister, his first love, his mother, and father. We are told of his past on the island through Guy's memories of his past.

The story is unique, weired, vivid, and psycologically, complex.

One of the things that I will remember most is the foley artists and the castrati. Why, well as a filmmaker it was interesting to see how the foley artists created the sound effects. One example was to create the noise of bones breaking they used celery. The broke the celery in half. My friend and I were sitting in the balcony seats. We were in the great position to see the foley artists working.

A must see if it is playing anywhere.

I just finished doing the 2006 Census on-line. It took be two bloody hours. I fucking hate it. All these stupid questions. I understand that it is useful to keep track of what's going on in the population of this country but it's so bloody long. I guess it's better than someone calling me at God knows when and asking me these questions for two stupid hours. There might be nothing I detest more than phone surveys. Telus has been trying to call me to conduct one. They called me one time while I was asleep. The lady on the other end asked me if it was a bad time and I said yes because I was SLEEPING. In her defense it was 9am but I am unemployed which means I stay up late sending resumes out and then I sleep in. But still I get cranky when I am awaken, especially if it is for a stupid survey. But I digress. The questions on the 2006 Census were typical enough except for one which got me thinking. The question was if I would allow them to make my census information public 92 years from now, in the year 2085 or some shit like that. Why would they want to do that for? I won't even exist anymore, at least I don't think I will. Hey, you never know. Who will care how many weeks I specifically worked in the year 2005. I understand if they want to use the information to compare to other years in the future but why ask me if they can make it public? It's just weired.

I can't even fathom the year 2085. Will there be flying cars? Will we have to take injections to stop us from feeling emotions and will all the males resemble Christian Bale? (I like that future, the Christian Bale part not the not feeling aspect.) We will be able to predict a crimes before they happen using psychic twins? Will Tom Cruise still be a Scientologist? Will we have boldly gone where no one has gone every gone before? We can never know because in 2085 we will be dead or reincarnated as maple trees. Will there even be maple trees 92 year from now? It's hard to tell

I am down to the phase in my unemployment where I start to get depressed. I am depressed because my money is running out and no one wants to hire me. I getting all this film experince but I am working like a dog for free. Don't get me wrong I love it but I need money!!!! Almost everything require money. espcially things that are fun. I have a big craving for ice cream but I didn't buy any because it would require money and I really can't afford to use the money I have on things like ice cream. I almost cried. My parents brought home ice cream after work. I am enjoying it right now. I am still mad though. It will probably give me a stomach ache but that is a price I am willing to make. I hope I find a job soon.

Four jobs I've had:
1.Gap stock person and visuals merchanidser
2. Sales associate at Carlton Cards
3. Production Assistant at DB Media
4. many many volunteer jobs

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Waynes World
2. Annie Hall
3. Hero
4. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Four places I've lived:
1. Toronto
2. Dallas
3. Windsor
4. Downsview

Four tv shows I love:
1. Sex and the City
2. The Daily Show
3. House
4. CSI

Four places I've vacationed:
1. Cape Cod
2. Daytona Beach
3. P.E.I.
4. Cali, Colombia

Four of my favourite dishes:
1. Veggi Pizza
2. Pad Thai
3. Sushi
4. Veggi Burger with Cheese

Four sites I visit daily:
1. www.livejournal.com
2. www.drudgereport.com
3. www.gmail.com
4. www.yahoo.com

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At the movies
2. Having sex with a very hot male
3. At a pub drinking
4. Playing pool

First teacher: Mrs. Taschin is the first one I can remember. She was a real BITCH
Last words you said: "Alex is so cute" Well, she is.
Last song you sang: We Can Work It Out by the Beatles
Last person you hugged: My Mommy
Last thing you laughed at: Last night in a dream
Last time you said I love you: This morning
Last time you cried: Last night.
What's in your CD player?: Rolling Stones Forty Licks
What colour socks are you wearing?: I'm not wearing any. Ah, the pleasures of working from home.
What's under your bed?: Clothes and my shadow man
What time did you wake up today?: 11am. Yet again another advantage from working at home.
Current taste in music: Whole shit load of stuff.
Current hair: Too curly for my liking. I'm sick of my nappy hair.
Current clothes: Jogging pants and a sport bra.
Current annoyance: People that live and breath "The Gap". That would be Gap managers.
Current longing: T.O.
Current desktop picture: A picture of the sunrising in New Brunswick taken from the car on the highway while on my road trip to P.E.I.
Current worry: My career
Favourite item of clothing: My shoes. They are so cute!
Favourite physical feature of opposite sex: Sholders, eyes, and butt. Tee hee!
Last CD you bought: Metic  "Live It Out"
Favourite place to be: A beach on the ocean.
Least favourite place: The Gap or the Dentists
Time you wake up in the morning: morning: Depends on when my shift starts.
Favourite colours: Blue, Green, and Pink.
How tall are you?:5"6
Current favourite saying:"Good luck with that" (In a sarcastic sort of tone)
Favourite books: The Catcher In The Rye, Wuthering Heights, Fast Food Nation, Lamb, Green Grass Runnign Water, The War, and Alias Grace. There more but I can't rememebr them all right now.
Favourite season: Spring and Fall. Winter is too cold. Summer is too hot. Spring and Fall are just right.
A person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: My cousin Fabian
Favourite day: Sunday. God says it's ok for me to sleep in. It's a day of rest isn't it?
Where do you want to go?: Backpacking in South America. Specifically Colombia and Brazil
What is your career going to be like?: Cool, intellegent, artistc, and rather lovely film director.
How many kids do you want?: Two or Three.
What kind of car will you have?: My dream car is a viper but I also want a El Camino. I will find one one day and it will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.
Type a line you remember from a book: I used to think she was quite intelligent, in my stupidity. The reason I did was because she knew quite a lot about the theater and plays and literature and all that stuff. If somebody knows quite a lot about those things, it takes you quite a while to find out whether they're really stupid or not. It took me years to find out... -From Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salenger
A random lyric: "Let's do some living after we die" From Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones

I've been hurt too many times. I can't do this anymore. I was so happy 24 hours ago and now I feel like a fool and down right shity. I've been trying to make xmas cookies but they aren't coming out right. I feel so alone and hurt. I can't believe I actually believe this guy was going to be different. It felt so right. I was so happy and he said he was too. Why the sudden change? Fuck if I know. He couldn't say more then he wasn't ready. He said he liked me and was attracted to me but that he felt we were getting into a relationship and he wasn't ready. He said that he hadn't been in a relationship for a long time and that he just wasn't ready for one right now. I did nothing wrong, that's what he said and that's what everyone I know is saying but I can't help but feel like it was me. I seem to reel them in and then some how they want to bolt. Fuck, it wasn't me. I cute, funny, sexy, and smart. WTF!?!?!?!?!?

I give up on love and relationships. THey are stupid and all that ends up happening is that people get hurt. My heart can't take much more. I am not going to get hurt again. He's going to regret what he did. I am trying everything in my power to call him because that would be a bad idea but I want to yell him and make him feel how I feel. Make him hurt.

Why does this hurt so much? Because love is a bitch. Because I really liked him and he liked me and now it is over. Because it's Christmas and New Years and I am all alone. I have no one to kiss on midnight.

I don't know how I am going to go to work tomorrow.

I need to go cry some more because I go to get it all out.

We all have things about our friends that make us slightly envious. Not in a bad way, but in a 'Wow! I wish I had that person's hair/eyes/money/relationship/toenails/whatever.' So tell me what about me makes you envy me (if there is such a thing), then post this in your LJ and see what makes me envious of you."





P.S. I'm so close to having my front cartwheele down. I went to the gymnastics gym yesterday and that's all I worked on. I'm oh so very close.

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? white
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Capoeira: A Brazilian Art Form History, Philosophy, and Practice.
3. WHAT PICTURE IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? IT's a circle with orange and white circle stripes
4. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Jane
5. FAVOURITE SMELL? Fresh backed Chocolate Cookies
6. LEAST FAVOURITE SMELL?
7. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? JUst five more minutes
8. FAVOURITE COLOR? Blue
9. LEAST FAVOURITE COLOR? Bile Green
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Three
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Joshua for a boy and Jaqueline for a girl.
12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Family and close friends
13. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Definitly Chocolate, without a doubt.
14. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I don't know yet but I will in about a years time (like I promised).
15. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No but I do sleep with a two large pillows which the cleaners still have. I miss them so.
16. STORMS -- COOL OR SCARY? A bit of both
17. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Don't have one but I want it to be, when i have a car, an EL CAMINO
18. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? Marilyn Monroe
19. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Vodka Tonic
20. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & YOUR BIRTHDAY? Scorpio- October, 30, 1981
21. DO YOU EAT THE STEM OF BROCCOLI? Yes
22. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? Filmmaker
23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? red
24. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Felini's 8 1/2
25. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Yes
26. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? flip flops, magazines,and I'm hoping my tv remote is under there b/c i can't find it anywhere
27. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? 10
28. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Hockey
29. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Birds
30. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU! You are a cool, fun, and awesome person and I am glad to have you as a friend.
31. FAVOURITE CD? Pinkerton by Weezer Coldplay is awsome too
32. FAVOURITE SONG? "I'll be here a while" by 311
33. FAVOURITE TV SHOWS? The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewert
34. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? ketchup
35. HAMBURGERS OR HOT DOGS? Veggie Burgers, duh
36. FAVOURITE SOFT DRINK? I don't drinl pop anymore so none. I can't stand the stuff.
37. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? P.E.I.
38. WHAT SCREENSAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? I picture of P.E.I.
39. BURGER KING OR MCDONALD'S? Burger King because they have veggie burgers and they aren't as evil as McDonald's
40. Morning person or night owl? Both simlutaniously
41. First Concert? Weezer
42. Summer or Winter? Fall

Five things that help me unwind:

1) Swimming or any other physical activity. I make me feel great and relaxes my mind and body.
2) Singing. I love doing it. I do it all the time. It's away to get whatever is on my mind out.
3) Reading. I love to just lose myself in a book and forget about the world I inhabit for a while.
4) Watching movies. I find that watching movies both excites me and takes stress away. I usually watch a movie when I need to just veg or am having a bad day or need to just be.
5) Playing with my niece and nephew. It's great to just play and be a kid again. I love just cuddleing with them or reading with them.

So sleepy. I don't have much to say except I can't wait for this week to end and my camping trip to begin. AHHHHHH!!!!!

I can't wait to go to London either. I hope to God things work out alright.


Mood: Tired, happy, and lonely. This all depending on what direction I am facing.


P.S. I will right more when I have more time. Same goes for catching up on all your live.

I just want to say that ravensee is an awesome cook. I love her so much because she has fed me well.

Pick ONE word from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments.
Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.

* dominant or submissive
* logical or intuitive
* social or loner
* kinky or vanilla
* cute or sophisticated
* kitten or puppy
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
* leader or follower
* quiet or talkative
* spontaneous or planned
* teddy bear or porcelain doll
* hiking or window shopping
* tequila or vodka
* top or bottom
* bare foot or shoes
* jeans or slacks
* tender or rough
* aware or dreamy
* nerd or jock

I had an awesome weekend. I went out and had myself a little fun. I'm pretty proud od myself. *sigh*

A little meme under the cut.

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In order to celebrate I decided to do a little list.It's rather superficial but what the heck.

I was inspired by bellafiga Here is my Top Five Hottest Male Celebrities list:

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My theory is this. It is impossible for a person not to stuff them selves at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet. Even if you have no intention of stuffing your face or even if you aren't even that hungry you are still going to go to town on the buffet. You are going to get what you paid for. There is no way you will not leave that place feeling unsatisfied. You will feel more then satisfied, you will feel uncomfortable.

I came up with this theory today while I was at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet. My friends and I decided not to stuff our faces and what did we do? Stuffed our faces. I stuffed my face good. It was fun though.

Please feel free to test my theory or question it.

I've often wondered about the word hate. I've never liked it. Hate leads to war and war leads to death. Hate is a very strong word. Because of the weight that this simple four letter word carries I have decided not to use this word when referring to any other human being or animal ever again. From now on if I dislike someone I will not say I hate them because it is too harsh a word. From now on I will say I dislike them. I can't hate someone I hardly even know? How could I hate a family member? I can't. I don't have to like them but I shouldn't hate them either. I'm not saying everyone should get along because they can't. I'm simply saying that the word hate is just too dense and means more then just dislike. The word hate is angry and violent. I suggest we use the word hate unless completely necessary. In the most extreme of cases.

I'm just sick of all the hate, pain, suffering, and death that surrounds us. It's just not right. I may have no control over such things but I can do my part to make this world a better place and so should everyone else.

Let's not use this word unless referring to such foods as broccoli and brussel sprouts.

Thank you.

Monday night I saw a "The Jacket" starring Adrian Brody. It was good. It wasn't awful but it wasn't great either. I wouldn't recommend it but if you want to see it then go ahead and do it. I saw the movie for free but I may have paid to go and see it.

The reason I say this is because the film seemed like it didn't know what genre it wanted to go with. It seemed like it wanted to be a lot of things all at once.

That's just my opinion. Tell me what you guys think of it if and when you do see it.